- Rambling - one thing that invariably happens during counselling, is that people talk differently. Typically, the clients tend to apologize for what they call ‘rambling’ - however what it actually is, is their mind searching to connect the dots with the outer world as well as their inner experience. Hence a looser structure to their sentences. This is normal; you are not required to write an essay or a report or get a mark - this is your space available to reach a more actionable understanding of your life at this moment in time. Once this simple regularity is accepted, more things start falling into place
- Clarity follows an expression. In a day-to-day conversation, we usually have an idea what we want to say to a person before we say it. In therapy what often happens is that it is other way around. Clients may start describing something that is novel or unfamiliar for them, and through expressing it they arrive at the moment of realization and can put an adequate name or label on their experience. In day to day life, a clear idea precedes talking, in counseling, sometimes clarity of something is a result of expressing it. Even if initially it may sound odd.
- Your mirror - Every person you encounter is, amongst other things, a mirror, reflecting some parts of you. Likewise you are to them. It is a constant of human experience, that when meeting another person, you are also meeting a part of yourself. A counsellor is also a mirror for you, the idea is that he or she reflects those areas of you that need attention. You can fully embrace looking at your counsellor in this way and it will make the whole counselling process more understandable for you.Swear words - Adjacent to that is the use of different words. Generally speaking, people don’t seek counselling because their life is good. There usually is some kind of frustration, anger, sadness, dissatisfaction etc. There are words in English language that express those experiences, swear words, and it is ok to use them. This isn’t savoir vivre competition, this is the garage where your life is getting a needed repair.
- Step by step - One of the most common questions asked is ‘ How long will it take’ - and the honest answer is…it depends. Every person is unique as is the context of their life. The kind of counselling I offer, fully recognizes and supports that uniqueness. In addition, every person expands their mental horizon each time they reach an understanding or an insight. For instance, a client may come to seek help with becoming more assertive. Once they realize it is ok to say no to other people, and trial tests it in their life, he or she may realize that what they were afraid of is not being bad for saying no, but that they were afraid what the other people may say back. This point is not revealed however, until the client reaches the earlier step. It is a bit like when going for a walk, you may select a point on the horizon and head towards it. But you won’t see what’s beyond that horizon until you reach it. Counseling is similar in that regard.
- Body - Increased awareness and activity noticed within one’s body, goes hand in hand with the above. Mental health is as much about mind as it is about body, we are psychophysical beings and it is the body that carries our emotional experiences with us. Once a person starts open up about those, his or her body will notice the shift. These shifts may feel pleasant (lightness, elation, ease, fluidity, greater sense of space) or unpleasant (exhaustion, headaches, stomach aches, twitches) - depending on the situation. It is prudent therefore, to assume that natural physical exhaustion will temporarily follow. Just as muscle aches usually follow a good workout at the gym, so too your body may be in need of replenishment after you start addressing your problems.
- Dreams - Sometimes once people start giving voice to the part of their life that remained in the dark, what happens is that the unconscious part of the brain will attempt to adjust to it. It may happen in the form of quite vivid dreams. This is absolutely normal process indicating that the part of yourself is getting closer to understanding and resolving your emotional issue.
- Changes in relationships - One positive that people come out of from counseling process, is that they feel better about themselves. This often corresponds with the change they see in how people treat them - particularly if the give/take equation isn’t right. In other words, once a person starts feeling better about themselves and starts treating themselves better, they start to select people who treat them like they treat themselves, or at least no worse. The positive outcome from counseling can have a powerful ripple effect on a person’s life.
- Attunement - often through a productive counselling experience a person begins to appreciate a different part to themselves; a feeling/sensing part. With it comes appreciation of different channels through which we receive non-verbal information. This applies to inner sensations, intuition, but also a greater sense of sensory connection to the outside world. This isn’t an added vulnerability that you have to manage just to get by. This is a very useful ability for it allows you to judge if a situation, person or context is right for you. Think of it this way - when was the last time you chose a piece of clothing that you were really pleased with. Most likely, you didn’t just look at it, or check all the information about the size and fabric online. You had to put it on, and feel it. You were able to complete all little adjustments to be really comfortable with it. Experiencing something in this felt way allows you to tailor it to your needs. Often in counselling this ability is refined, and it continues to serve you in other parts of your life even after conclusion of counselling sessions.
- Integration delay. There are two phases of counseling - active - which is the conversation/session itself, and passive - the time and space your mind takes as it processes material between the sessions. It is one thing to realize something, and another to integrate it - make it a permanent part of yourself. Usually it happens in quiet moment of reflection, sometimes it happens on its own without having to put conscious effort. Think of it this way: you don’t have to exert conscious effort to digest food, you only have to put it in your mouth and the body takes care of the rest. Likewise, integration is usually process that occurs in the background, but what supports it is leaving space, not putting extra things or tasks on your mind.
